I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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