help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
