Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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