It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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