I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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