I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
