just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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