Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
did i walk over a car last night?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
