Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Randomize
