i would punch a child for taco bell
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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