Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
