Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
ttyl tear gas
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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