If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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