my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
