I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
