I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
