I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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