The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
as a side note pls kill me
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
