Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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