i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
