I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Pants are for mortals
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
