I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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