hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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