someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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