You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
