At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
