The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
