pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
