If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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