Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
