My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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