Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
