i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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