Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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