sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
