I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
