She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
