Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
