Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
