I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
