I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
