i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
