Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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