I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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