he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
