Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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