i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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