I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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