and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
