I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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