What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think my fart just growled at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
