I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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