sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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