I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
