a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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