I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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