I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
