He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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